cracking skull

ever walk up to somebody that you're really close with and you love, but knowing that you are disliked and that person might just yell the shit out of you as soon as you get into the car?  I seriously thought it was gonna turn into a huge chaos. i was afraid.  i was so scared i felt like i got into a random person's car. but instead, it was all so calm, uncomfortably quiet.  i hated it.  i wanted to crawl into a ball and hide.  i felt incredibly unneeded and wanted to throw myself away, like a piece of clothing that nobody wants anymore.  at the same time, i dont know why i was here anymore.  i dont know what i can provide, or what i can give in return.

i could be falling apart.  Manager asked if i was okay as i was at the cashwrap about to ring up a customer.  i knew my facial expression was emotionless.  i couldnt carry a smile on.  it showed.  i was upset from within.  something was missing.  a part of me was broken up into pieces, and i didnt know how to put it back together.  what was i gonna do when i felt useless, and i had so much ahead of me, that is very unclear.  i am lost.  and i wish there was guidance.  i was left behind.  for once, pretending to smile, was hard.  my heart felt heavy, and things were getting harder and harder.  i couldnt breathe.

for some reason though, this feeling approaches me everytime when you dont want to talk to me.  why does it ave to be you that do this every time? i can get mad but i cant.  the question comes up everytime.  why dont i know where i wanna be in the future?  why dont i get to share my worries with somebody and be able to gt support and advice?  why am i so lost?  if you dont want to be here for me, thats okay. i'd understand. 

wait. do i really understand? or maybe im just saying it.  im so retarded.