at this time

i completely lost all energy, faith, and hope.


will this be the end of us?

cracking skull

ever walk up to somebody that you're really close with and you love, but knowing that you are disliked and that person might just yell the shit out of you as soon as you get into the car?  I seriously thought it was gonna turn into a huge chaos. i was afraid.  i was so scared i felt like i got into a random person's car. but instead, it was all so calm, uncomfortably quiet.  i hated it.  i wanted to crawl into a ball and hide.  i felt incredibly unneeded and wanted to throw myself away, like a piece of clothing that nobody wants anymore.  at the same time, i dont know why i was here anymore.  i dont know what i can provide, or what i can give in return.

i could be falling apart.  Manager asked if i was okay as i was at the cashwrap about to ring up a customer.  i knew my facial expression was emotionless.  i couldnt carry a smile on.  it showed.  i was upset from within.  something was missing.  a part of me was broken up into pieces, and i didnt know how to put it back together.  what was i gonna do when i felt useless, and i had so much ahead of me, that is very unclear.  i am lost.  and i wish there was guidance.  i was left behind.  for once, pretending to smile, was hard.  my heart felt heavy, and things were getting harder and harder.  i couldnt breathe.

for some reason though, this feeling approaches me everytime when you dont want to talk to me.  why does it ave to be you that do this every time? i can get mad but i cant.  the question comes up everytime.  why dont i know where i wanna be in the future?  why dont i get to share my worries with somebody and be able to gt support and advice?  why am i so lost?  if you dont want to be here for me, thats okay. i'd understand. 

wait. do i really understand? or maybe im just saying it.  im so retarded. 

what else is new?

work work and more work.

now where school go? 

so exhausted.  i guess i really do have no life. been working like crazy. it is screwing with my body.  im always tired.  i look terrible.  i feel pointless. just like a robot, im programmed to do what im suppose to do.  now where is the meaning of doing it?

i need to find out

recovering

i think i am slowly being better.  emotionally that is.

i find myself more at peace now.  i wonder whats happening to me.  I need to learn to deal with stress better.  I have been doing a lot of things, keeping myself busy.

wok school work school seems to be the same pattern everyday, but i will manage to put in some fun and joy in there, just so i wont feel so dull.  i dont want life to feel repetitive.

i think im really gonna try saving up.  there are many things i want to get and places i want to visit.  I am gonna get there. one by one.

i need to make a checklist.  I want to slowly fulfill each of my goals and dreams.

the breathing gets harder

for those of you my loves starting a new school y ear, at a new school, living at a new place, having a new life. im gonna miss you all so much. and congrats on gonig into a new stage of life.  its gonna be different. its gonna be new. it should be fun.

as for me.  Whats new for me?  Life is getting back to "normal" again.  friends are gone, and most of my besties are gone and away.  but we all have our own life and our own goals that we strive to meet.  We are all together in one way, but we are all so different.  Starting this weekend, it made me realize that there will be no more random hang outs, really late nights, and lots of laughs.  This weekend was just a regular weekend but it made me realize so much more.

Saying goodbye isnt the hardest thing, because this time, i didnt cry.  I know all of you will be back very soon and there will be good times again. 

Dealing with relationships can sometimes be so difficult.  You might want to give up, many times in a relationship and say i quit, and i will move on.  but you just cant.  Have you ever felt like the person you think you know so well, made you realize and come back and say "hey, you dont really know me, and you dont know how i feel, i feel like crap and no one understands" and then they proceed to shut you out and not wanna have conversations with you.  I tell you what, it sucks, and it hurts.  at the same time you feel like you werent doing the job that you were suppose to in this relationship.  then everything seems pointless, and the urge for you to really wnna see him slowly fades.  And all of a sudden you dont feel so hurt anymore, cause you like the time alone.  It's really hard to describe how i felt throughout the weekend of not seeing you, but i think it could be good practice for me, for the future, when we cant be together all the time.  That's when im really gonna be independent.

Im so happy to know that you know exactly what you want in life and which road you will be going.  All of a sudden, everything just seems to click in your head, and you got a light bulb.  You know your exact career and you're very excited about it.  and hey, im happy for you.  In fact, im so happy on the inside that i get jealous.  i wish i could do the same.  i wish i know exactly what i wanna be and how my road will turn out.  But i guess i just needa wait.  As for you, i hope you know i'll support in whatever you do.  I know there are gonna be sacrifices if i wanna be with you, and be able to pull thru everything.  But thats what a relationship is, i guess.  It does worry me and i have to admit i do get very scare and nervous or you, but im not gonna put you down.  I will stand by you and if you ever need a listener, let me know.  

im not sure where i'll end up and if i can physically and emotionally pull through the tough times, but i think God is here with me.  I need to worry less.  I've been exhausted and really need motivation and rest.  I hope some form of motivation and bubbly-ness will hit me very soon, so i can do the things i wanna do.

reason

Somoene has inspired me and told me that each of us individual is here on earth for a reason and there is one special thing we can each do, that no on else can.

I am looking for the answer to that statement. 

It could take a long time, but I want to believe that.

come and go

Realizing different stages in life, you will meet different people.  Some worth your time, and others will not.

Some tries to make you happy, others want you jealous and make you mad.  Some will do anything for you, and some will back stab you.

You will realize there are times when you are flying so high and having the best time of your life, than there are times when you fall face down and it's so hard to get up.

Who stood by your side? Who was there?  Who would pick up if you call 3am in the morning because you cant sleep?  Who listens to your worries and put in effort to make you feel okay?

These questions cannot be answered by anyone else but you.  You know that people come and go.  It is not your choice to decide who stays.  It is what you do, to make them remember you.  It is your actions and what you did, that keep you in their hearts.

So as a new stage of life begins, and we all go our separate ways, there is no need to cry. 

It is only a lesson, to see who has the heart to keep you in theirs.

real relationship

couples get together, couples break up, for various reasons, and for many options...

i dont know about you, but i have hella shit in my relationship.  Dont think that I dont go through a hard time, dont think that i have a perfect relationship.

Sometimes it is all just shit.

But I never complain.  It is what a real relationship is.  If you say you never fought with your boyfriend, you guys never argue, dont disagree, and always smiling, than im not sure if your relationship is really healthy, or real at all.

I dont like the arguments, i hate the yelling, i hate the words that come out from our mouths, but im thankful its all real.

it dosnt matter how tough the road gets, or how many tears were dropped, but if you think it's all worth it, you're gonna risk it all.

I aint gonna deal with lies.  Dont try to pretend and treat it like a fairytale. 

it's not gonna go the way you want, and it may not be as ideal, but thats real.

I don't believe in fairytales. I dont wish for them to come to me.  Im not gonna try if i dont think it's worth it.  I used to be a die-hard romantic, but it doesnt turn out that way.

I dont play games

what can you tell from these?

these are a few of my favorite people and i will forever cherish them.  I know for a fact that when i look at these pictures years from now, i will recall and remember every single moment spent with these guys.  they are the best of the bunch and you know that saying " you only need a few good friends than a bunch of hello-goodbye friends?"

they are the ones.

Starting point: SF Fisherman's Wharf
Destination: Sausalito.
Time : total 6 hours
A day of bonding and fun.

you know you had a fun day when you go home you are so exhausted you just wanna go to sleep

so the city biking day finally pull through, the day before CSM classes starts.  SCOREE! :)
drove out to the city with a couple friends
started our bike route from fisherman's wharf and all the way to Marina, up Golden Gate Bridge, and destination was Sausalito..  Absolutely had no idea how many miles we biked, but it was definitely the best workout you could have.

Did i mention we rented Tandem bikes?  Riding in pairs is just so much fun.  Beautiful day in the city and GG Bridge was actually visible today.  amazing.  Nothing beats having the most chill and active time with your friends.  renting tandem bikes, trying to balance, taking many pictures, riding side by side in pairs, a $75 meal at a restaurant by the ocean, getting ice cream and sitting on beaches of streets of Sausalito.  Last but not least, we chose to bike back to the city from Sausalito instead of taking the ferry for $10/person.

Oh we're insane, but thats why i love you guys.

my lower part of my body has muscles screaming help and pain..i should sleeeep.  freaking class starts tomorrow. 

black cat eyes

just over the weekend, i discovered he most amazing and easy to use liquid eye liner at Sephora, the Lancome Artliner is truly amazing.

I was never a fan of liquid eye liner since the ones i've tried was always a mess and so difficult to control the lines on my lid.  but this eye liner is amazing.  I'd say it is the easiest liquid eye liner to use.  I am in love with this at the moment, and i have stop using my eye liner pencils.

tiny bottle for $29 at Sephora.  I know its a bit pricy, but i think it's totally worth it.  Now i can easily draw some dramatic cat eyes without worrying smudges.  stays on for a whole day.  I love this.

let go

you know that feeling you get when you just let go of yourself and not need to worry about how others look at youuu?

you dont care how sweaty and hot you are, but dance the night away?

let's go clubbing :)

this time

I seriously dont know how we got here.  but this time, i didnt cry.  i chose not to cry.  or maybe it hurted so bad that tears didnt fall.  my eyes were dry.

this time, its serious. there was so much going thru my mind.  flashbacks. memories. how to deal?

i couldnt sleep. i chose not to cry myself to sleep.  but instead i have terrified dreams.  something's got into my head, my mind, something's different about me.

this hurts.  but it might be the best for now. trust me, i didnt want to do this, it hurts for me to do this too.

things will get better, i just cant lose faith now. if this is what needs to be done, let it be.

time. space. will heal things.

and hopefully, it will all get better in time.

just love

"when i see your face, there's not a thing that i would change, cause girl you are amazing, just the way you are"

oh i've been so hooked onto this song lately, Bruno Mars can really sing out the message to this song.  Then it makes me wonder, how many guys out there can really appreciate girls for who they really are?  And how many can love someone and be committed to someone to the point where love can work through hardships and problems?

If only love was so simple, so easy, so free.

I just want somebody to love, and be loved.  If you appreciate me, then i'd appreciate you.  I am so blinded maybe i'd even treat you better than you treat me. but hey, this aint how a relationship works, right?

I stand by you, so i expect the same back.  The amount of time I put into us, i expect you to appreciate and do the same.  I am willing to spend on you, so i hope you at least show me you like what i get.  If i plan something, i hope you will like my ideas and enjoy the quality time.

Its always both ways.  It's never just a one way thing. If thats what you think it should be, then maybe we were never meant to stay together.

So commit, do your thing, and let's work together

dont try to expect shit back if you aint doing your shit. got it?

it's your attitude

Been having lots of ups and downs.

whether it is my emotions, the way i think, or the way i behave, it seems like everything is going out of control, slowly.

this is the time when you realize so much more.  this is the time when you're not blinded by what makes you happy and what made you felt great, it is the time to really rethink.

Things can go two ways, for the better or for worse.  It is how you see it and how you react to the situation.  in the end, i am the one who is gonna turn it around.  i am the one who is making the decision.

be careful of what you wish for before it is too late.  I find myself wishing for things that i really dont want to happen.  it is all about being patient and understanding what your other hald has to offer you.  i shouldnt be giving up when he is not.  i shouldnt be wishing for the worse, when the worse isnt ready for me.

i aint gonna withstand that attitude

pictures says the memory that words cannot tell

sometimes it's just so easy

lots of giggles, funny jokes, humorous car rides, longboarding/scooter run, eating out twice in one day, bringing the camera everywhere and taking pics on everything we see, falling asleep in class, imprinting a red mark on my while waking up from a nap, going to the parks at night, wearing huge Mills parka on a freezing night chilling on a playground.

sometimes the easiest way to get happy and carefree is just to be with them

and i enjoy every moment of it

Theres something about...

Love..

s simple four letter word that means so much. so much that sometime there are no other words to define. What is love? there are numerous definitions out there that can be comprehend in all ways and establish by different people. but who cares? Shouldnt our definition of love be the most important? in the end, it doesnt matter what others think love is, it will be what i think it is and how i will see it.

whatever happens in life, has been a roller coaster lately. I have to say that life is always an roller coaster for me. With its ups and downs, sometimes the turns are sharper then i imagined and throws me off the ride. It may hurt, but its always a ride i love to go on many times. perhaps, i dont care too much of the pain, because the ride brings me somewhere i've always wanted to go and gives me the thrill and excitement that i cant find elsewhere. i can also find love.

Have you ever felt like you're not in a relationship and you dont want to be in while you're in one? it's sort of that bittersweet feeling you get when you know you're in love and you want to stay in love, yet somewhere inside your heart tells you that u want to take a break and you shouldnt, but at the same time you know you're only overreacting too fast and making the decision that will turn out wrong.

i know all relationships aint easy, and being in one myself. Others seem to think that girl has a perfect boyfriend and relationship, she should be happy, nothing to worry about. Im so jealous of her. I find that comment ridiculously ignorant.

nobody should be jealous of others, and there is no jealousy in love. it is all about trust, honesty, being humble, caring, and it works both ways. You never habe to find love because love happens and God has his plan for you.

Once you have love, cherish it and build a foundation. Love is like buying a car. You need maintenance.

Dont ever hold back in a relationship. Give it all you got and learn to love the person you're with. Thinking too much of breaking up and having trust or not isnt the way to love. i have learned my lesson, and im still learning.

D has taught me so much in loving and giving. When i lose faith, hes the one who brings me up and tell me not to give up. I once was lost in the definition of love, but now i have found its definition. I learn the meaning to love and learn to open up. it is lucky to be loved and to love someone.

travel therapy

whenever i get upset, stressed out, and just wanna hide and get out from all the drama and troubles...

planning a short trip or vacation instantly makes me better.

I am in love with traveling

time machine

have you ever had the time when your music player just keeps on repeating sad love songs, and you found yourself loving it and knowing each and every line of lyric in all the songs?

perhaps, maybe those lyrics are what spoke your mind, the words that you always wanted to find but at the same time you try to avoid and stay away from, because it brings you back to memories you didnt want to think about. Somewhere inside our hearts, something important, something from the past, something you want to forget, or just cherish forever, is hidden deeply somewhere inside. You may or may not want to remember, perhaps you want to remember to forget, but you cant. That's where the songs come in.

Maybe putting those songs on repeat triggers your emotions and cause tears to fall, causing your mind to wander and wander, making you feel lonely and sad. But thats the beauty of the lyrics.

Words can express so much more then just words and images, it means so much more when there's a story behind those words and lines...

Which are your lines? What is your story?

vibrant red

I've neglected my blog lately.  Maybe perhaps i've been happy more than anything and there was no need to express my sadness within?  I probably shouldnt only come here when im upset.  Releasing positive energy should do me good, right?

I've been wanting to color my hair, cut, or do something about it.  you know that feeling when you want to make some physical change because you stare into the mirror and you see yourself looking the same everyday?  It sorta gets boring after a while.  So after 2 tries and my hair is now slight auburn red, im gonna do it again.

Just the past Sunday, D got baptised.  I was absolutely happy and thrilled for him.  It was the first time after a long time not going to church.  It felt great.  It was an emotion i havent had for so long.  perhaps i was feeling relaxed, no worries, happy, and a sense of security swept over me.  Thats when i remember how much i miss going to church and how long it has been that i havent went to a fellowship.  I realize that God doesnt give up on us, but it is us who gives up on him.

why?

sometimes i do things without putting too much thought into it.  I end up doing something that may hurt someone.  but i didnt intend to.  i like things simple.  i like to be able to find the one i cant trust.  i want to have someone who i can spill my heart to.  But just when you think you found the person, you may be wrong.  I was never positive on everything i see.  I usually think of the negatives first.  I never tend to hurt people.  In fact, some of the times i dont even know how you got hurt.  If i did the things i did, and resulted in you getting hurt. im sorry.  but i never meant to toy with your feelings.  I know how it feels when someone meant to hurt you.  believe me, i still have a scar..somewhere inside my heart.  and that may be the cause of why i did the things i did to you.

a scar in my heart, somewhere deep inside..when will it ever heal?

surprise myself in a way that i dont want to believe

why am i so good at over-stressing on basically everything?  I realize this is not doing me any good and i am constantly worrying and having a bad time.  My dad was definitely right.

I love to keep things to myself and bottle them up to try finding a solution alone, and of course it doesnt work.  Then i'll always end up hurting myself the worst way possible.  There are certain feelings in which i cant tell with words and i dont wanna spill to everyone..but whos that someone that i truly trust and feel absolutely comfortable in telling?  i need to find that answer..

Lately, just a bunch of negative and pessimistic feelings has washed me over anything else.  I find myself worrying and feeling lost in life and in everything i do.  I am so tired of feeling rock bottom and have no motivation in school.  i know that there are expectations that need to be met and that's just how the society was formed.  I also know that i love putting pressure on myself and blaming myself hard on not meeting those expectations.  I hate the fact that im breaking down a lot and going through this stage and phase i've never thought i'll see myself in.

Cry

I cry for many reasons.

Whether it is tears of joy, of sadness, of regret, or maybe i am just plainly emotional.


Last night, i cried joyful tears, tears that i will never regret dropping.

Because i know someone loves me with all his heart, and i dont want to dare break that heart into pieces.

When you feel like you hit rock bottom, where there seems to be no more meaning of life, and you just wanna give up on life...

DONT.

because the most unexpected things will happen..

just to save you and pull you out of misery.

i would know.

Breathing Underwater

I wanna fly through the blue Lake on the bottom with you
Getting lost in the waves, Let the world slip away
When nobody can find us...

I don't want to be saved
Leave it all behind us
Make an escape
Tell me....
what am I feeling?
Oh, it's hard to explain
Like underwater breathing
Swimming in rain

Drive My Soul

On Monday, along with Daniel, John, and some of his friends we headed to the city to see the Owl City concert.
But just beforehand, we hit up a Mexican restaurant called Tortilla Heights and grabbed a couple pitches of Margaritas.  Gotta say that stuff was never my favorite, especially when there's vodka involved.  But it turned out pretty damn good.  Perhaps the tequila made it all better?  We ordered Mango flavored and also the strawberry,which i personally favored the Mango one more then the other.  Did i mention they also have amazing fish tacos? yes, i said fish. its a MUST.

Afterwards we chose to walked over to the Fillmore Auditorium.  The last time i visited this place must be at least 6 years ago.  Nothing changed, besides the band that im seeing and the people that i was with.  We got in on time just to see Lights play, which is the band before Owl City.
I never knew such a band exists until this concert, but they were amazing.  Synthpop and new wave..a genre i never really pay attention to, but i think im now addicted.

Been listening to their songs for the pass 2 days.  Perhaps i can relate to every single one of them thats why?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TGbIAban14  Lights- Savior (Adam Young Remix)

On the other hand, Owl City was fantastic.  I had a blast.

School starts in two days, im so not ready to go back

Please take me away :)

learn to love

so when life starts getting better and things seem to go your way, you tend to love life more..

i guess "you" in this statement is referring to me.

although recently i've learn to love life either way.  whether it goes bad, like a rollercoaster, or just simply simple and easy.

totally had a blast last night and never felt so good in such a long time.

went to the city with my babe, John, and some of his friends to the city to Tortilla Heights and grabbed some Margaritas before hitting the Owl City concert.  i love the feeling of walking down the streets and not having to worry about everything. 

learn to have a good time
learn to what we have
regardless of good or bad.

keep smiling

sleep deprived

i seriously dont understand how I need so much sleep.  Why cant i be those ones who sleep for 4 hours then get charged up and be ready for whatever comes?

i totally need it.

that meaning a vacation.

LA perhaps?

inspiration

Life is too precious to worry about stupid things.
So have fun, get drunk, and fall in love.
Say what you feel and do what you want to do.
Regret nothing and don't let people who don't matter bring you down


Don't worry about people in your past
there is a reason they didn't make it to your future. 
Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances
losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories
and learning from the past 


So feel the sunshine, smile, breathe 
clear your head..

and start all over again :)

state of mind

if things were to be as simple as this.

peaceful state of mind.
i just wanna feel the sun shining down on me.
taking a deep breath
and be able to say
its gonna be alright
and im okay

keep smiling :)

living life with big changes

ever since the last time i updated, i guess..many things have changed.

as i sit here in the dining room of my new place i felt as if everything was moving way too fast.  I love this new place and im loving the life i have right now. Been quite stressed out lately.

now that im officially 20..this number seems to mean so much more then just a number.  Perhaps i still feel like im only 18? 19?
20 is a number to where you're finally not in the teen years.  Seems like i really need to do something to live up to this number.  Perhaps its time for a change.

Thanks to all my friends for making my 20th a special one.  it was definitely amazing and memorable.

Im also quite addicted to going to the gym lately. especially at night time.  i guess what i really love about is the personal time you have and the amount of time you get to think about things and gather your thoughts while aimlessly running on the treadmill or just simply focus on your breath and feel the drops of sweat running down your cheeks and down your neck. 

and whatever challenges may come, just live it up, and never give up

New Years Eve, and HAPPY NEW YEAR

Winter Break :)

Uncle's 70th Bday dinner at King Fish, San Mateo

Sushi Lunch at Hiro

 

 

Countdown at Embarcadero