at this time

i completely lost all energy, faith, and hope.


will this be the end of us?

cracking skull

ever walk up to somebody that you're really close with and you love, but knowing that you are disliked and that person might just yell the shit out of you as soon as you get into the car?  I seriously thought it was gonna turn into a huge chaos. i was afraid.  i was so scared i felt like i got into a random person's car. but instead, it was all so calm, uncomfortably quiet.  i hated it.  i wanted to crawl into a ball and hide.  i felt incredibly unneeded and wanted to throw myself away, like a piece of clothing that nobody wants anymore.  at the same time, i dont know why i was here anymore.  i dont know what i can provide, or what i can give in return.

i could be falling apart.  Manager asked if i was okay as i was at the cashwrap about to ring up a customer.  i knew my facial expression was emotionless.  i couldnt carry a smile on.  it showed.  i was upset from within.  something was missing.  a part of me was broken up into pieces, and i didnt know how to put it back together.  what was i gonna do when i felt useless, and i had so much ahead of me, that is very unclear.  i am lost.  and i wish there was guidance.  i was left behind.  for once, pretending to smile, was hard.  my heart felt heavy, and things were getting harder and harder.  i couldnt breathe.

for some reason though, this feeling approaches me everytime when you dont want to talk to me.  why does it ave to be you that do this every time? i can get mad but i cant.  the question comes up everytime.  why dont i know where i wanna be in the future?  why dont i get to share my worries with somebody and be able to gt support and advice?  why am i so lost?  if you dont want to be here for me, thats okay. i'd understand. 

wait. do i really understand? or maybe im just saying it.  im so retarded. 

what else is new?

work work and more work.

now where school go? 

so exhausted.  i guess i really do have no life. been working like crazy. it is screwing with my body.  im always tired.  i look terrible.  i feel pointless. just like a robot, im programmed to do what im suppose to do.  now where is the meaning of doing it?

i need to find out

recovering

i think i am slowly being better.  emotionally that is.

i find myself more at peace now.  i wonder whats happening to me.  I need to learn to deal with stress better.  I have been doing a lot of things, keeping myself busy.

wok school work school seems to be the same pattern everyday, but i will manage to put in some fun and joy in there, just so i wont feel so dull.  i dont want life to feel repetitive.

i think im really gonna try saving up.  there are many things i want to get and places i want to visit.  I am gonna get there. one by one.

i need to make a checklist.  I want to slowly fulfill each of my goals and dreams.

the breathing gets harder

for those of you my loves starting a new school y ear, at a new school, living at a new place, having a new life. im gonna miss you all so much. and congrats on gonig into a new stage of life.  its gonna be different. its gonna be new. it should be fun.

as for me.  Whats new for me?  Life is getting back to "normal" again.  friends are gone, and most of my besties are gone and away.  but we all have our own life and our own goals that we strive to meet.  We are all together in one way, but we are all so different.  Starting this weekend, it made me realize that there will be no more random hang outs, really late nights, and lots of laughs.  This weekend was just a regular weekend but it made me realize so much more.

Saying goodbye isnt the hardest thing, because this time, i didnt cry.  I know all of you will be back very soon and there will be good times again. 

Dealing with relationships can sometimes be so difficult.  You might want to give up, many times in a relationship and say i quit, and i will move on.  but you just cant.  Have you ever felt like the person you think you know so well, made you realize and come back and say "hey, you dont really know me, and you dont know how i feel, i feel like crap and no one understands" and then they proceed to shut you out and not wanna have conversations with you.  I tell you what, it sucks, and it hurts.  at the same time you feel like you werent doing the job that you were suppose to in this relationship.  then everything seems pointless, and the urge for you to really wnna see him slowly fades.  And all of a sudden you dont feel so hurt anymore, cause you like the time alone.  It's really hard to describe how i felt throughout the weekend of not seeing you, but i think it could be good practice for me, for the future, when we cant be together all the time.  That's when im really gonna be independent.

Im so happy to know that you know exactly what you want in life and which road you will be going.  All of a sudden, everything just seems to click in your head, and you got a light bulb.  You know your exact career and you're very excited about it.  and hey, im happy for you.  In fact, im so happy on the inside that i get jealous.  i wish i could do the same.  i wish i know exactly what i wanna be and how my road will turn out.  But i guess i just needa wait.  As for you, i hope you know i'll support in whatever you do.  I know there are gonna be sacrifices if i wanna be with you, and be able to pull thru everything.  But thats what a relationship is, i guess.  It does worry me and i have to admit i do get very scare and nervous or you, but im not gonna put you down.  I will stand by you and if you ever need a listener, let me know.  

im not sure where i'll end up and if i can physically and emotionally pull through the tough times, but i think God is here with me.  I need to worry less.  I've been exhausted and really need motivation and rest.  I hope some form of motivation and bubbly-ness will hit me very soon, so i can do the things i wanna do.

reason

Somoene has inspired me and told me that each of us individual is here on earth for a reason and there is one special thing we can each do, that no on else can.

I am looking for the answer to that statement. 

It could take a long time, but I want to believe that.

come and go

Realizing different stages in life, you will meet different people.  Some worth your time, and others will not.

Some tries to make you happy, others want you jealous and make you mad.  Some will do anything for you, and some will back stab you.

You will realize there are times when you are flying so high and having the best time of your life, than there are times when you fall face down and it's so hard to get up.

Who stood by your side? Who was there?  Who would pick up if you call 3am in the morning because you cant sleep?  Who listens to your worries and put in effort to make you feel okay?

These questions cannot be answered by anyone else but you.  You know that people come and go.  It is not your choice to decide who stays.  It is what you do, to make them remember you.  It is your actions and what you did, that keep you in their hearts.

So as a new stage of life begins, and we all go our separate ways, there is no need to cry. 

It is only a lesson, to see who has the heart to keep you in theirs.